Raising boys and growing "Boobies"

If I’m honest, I never dreamed of running a business and being a mom was something I always thought about in the future tense…something I would do “someday”. It wasn’t something that I had a plan in place for or felt this overwhelming, biological pull towards. Today, I’m both an Executive Director of a non-profit that I founded and I’m a mom to two little boys that sometimes remind me why, perhaps, I was never that woman whose main goal in life was “destination mom”. For that matter, I’m not sure I was ever “destination marriage” either. And so, here I am…a 46 year old divorced, breast cancer survivor, non-profit executive, single momma to 4 and 5 year old boys who have more commonly become known as “my beasts”.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the similarities between raising kids and running a business. Don’t ask me why. But little by little I’ve started to notice that lessons I’m learning from raising those little beasts are helping me become a better leader for Feel Your Boobies. Perhaps it’s because I feel like I’m just now emerging from the fog called the “toddler years” and my brain, at long last, is no longer occupied solely by changing diapers, communicating in isolation with small humans that don’t speak, and doing it all on the amount of sleep that no rational human can (or should have to) survive on.

Yes, I dare say I have evolved from living in “survival mode” and re-entered a partially adult existence where my brain can take on some high order thinking again. (Thanks be to God.) Hence my pondering this relationship between parenting and “Boobies”. So before my brain turns back to mush (because I’ve clearly jinxed myself by proclaiming victory over the “toddler years”), I thought I’d capture some of these nuggets (no not like chicken nuggets) that parenting has afforded me. Here are 5 recurring themes that have kept me afloat these last 5 years as a single mom, but that have also undoubtedly helped me become a better business leader as well.

1. “I ain’t got time for that.”

Let’s face it, I don’t have time for much of anything these days except for work and being a mildly successful mom to these nutty boys. And when I do have free time I have to be really selective about how I spend it. I’ve had to learn what refuels me and what things absolutely need to be done to keep the train moving. I pretty much operate on a “24-hour to-do list”. If it doesn’t HAVE to happen in the next 24 hours then it’s probably not something I need to be thinking about. However, you can’t only operate in triage mode. There’s also the dreaded valentine’s cards for the kindergarten party, the reservations for the upcoming 6th birthday celebration, and the registration deadline for baseball. (Brain explosion occurring at this very moment.) The point is, only the very necessary of items get any reserved space in my brain and all other items are ushered quickly to exit stage left.

The same goes for Boobies. My momma brain has helped me become more laser focused on where we are, where we’re going, and how we’re going to get there. The pie in the sky days of dreaming about Ellen featuring us on her show are long gone, and the practical, achievable, and measurable tasks are really all that matter. Ok, who am I kidding?? If Ellen called I might be guilty of skipping Eli’s 6th birthday party and forgetting to buy chocolate milk for tomorrow.

2. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this!”

It’s safe to say that there’s virtually nothing about where I am today that is in line with how I thought my life would be. But I learned some time ago that life’s turns can lead you right to where you need to be. At least with Feel Your Boobies I felt that way. But when I became a mom later in life, then a single mom, it was a lesson I had to relearn. I’m fairly certain I was mildly (ok maybe severely) depressed during most of the “toddler stage”. I don’t do “needy” very well. I don’t do “irrational” very well. And I certainly didn't do well with the extreme loss of independence I found myself in during those years. It was like my life went from wide open to housebound in an instant. It was hard.

One of my friends who’s a mom to 4 kids (ages ranging from 4 to 24) said it best. She said, “You need to stop expecting things to be different. This is just how it is right now, and it won’t be like this forever.” It didn’t fix everything, but her words certainly put things in perspective. And in time, things HAVE gotten easier and I have regained some amount of my independence. In time, things do begin to make sense again. Sometimes you just need to live in the fog for a bit rather than fight it and trust that you will find your way when the time is right.

3. “No one cares about me!” 

It’s a fact, I’m pretty much invisible on a day to day basis. I’m not sure when empathy begins to develop more explicitly in kids, but I know for sure I’m not at that stage yet. I mean for 40 years I was the center of my world…who do these beasts think they are coming in and stealing the show? Jeez. Learning to realize your existence is not about YOU is probably the single most important lesson to learn in parenting AND in business.

When I founded Feel Your Boobies, initially it was ALL about me. It was my story, my journey, and my idea. Today, while people may like to hear the history about how the Foundation came to be, the true vision of the organization is really not about me. It’s about a mission far bigger than myself. As with kids, learning how to allow something to create its own identity and become its own body requires a keen sense of when to step in, when to step out, and a selfless pride in embracing what emerges.

4. “I really suck at this.”

Ok I’ll say it. I’m pretty good at a lot of things, but man have these beasts made me brutally aware of the plethora of things I’m really bad at. Being a mom means being good at basic day to day routines and you know what I’ve learned? I SUCK AT ROUTINES. It has taken every ounce of energy for me to get better at all things domestic that keep our home and family running smoothly. I doubt I’ll ever be good at it, but I’ve gotten better.

I’ve also gotten better at patting myself on the back about the things I AM good at and probably most importantly I’ve learned to stop beating myself up about the things that just don’t come that easily to me. Kinda like bookkeeping…thank GOD for accountants. As an overachiever, I’d really like to be good at everything (or at least I’d like everyone to think I’m good at everything). But let’s face it, perfect people are really boring. 

5. “Who’s in charge here anyway?”

Sometimes being in charge means letting go. While theoretically I’m “in charge” as a parent, clearly the situation itself very often dictates the success (or complete failure) of my parenting attempts. Recently, when trying repeatedly to create calm out of chaos at bedtime, Leo proclaimed, “I have a good idea. You can carry me up stairs.” While it wasn’t what I had in mind, and while I almost suffered a heart attack from lifting this 42 lb (but feels like 70 lb) child up the steps, as we reached the top a blissful calm fell upon these crazed babes. Alas, Leo’s idea WAS pretty good and, for a moment, the pressure of being “in charge” fell to the wayside. It’s exhausting to be in charge all of the time. Sometimes the most unexpected of people can lighten that load if you let them.

Looking back, I’m laughing at myself knowing how much effort I put in over the past 12 years in pursuit of a textbook answer to questions like “How do I become the best leader I can be?”, “How do I determine the most ideal path for the Foundation?”, and “How do I grow it so that someone else can carry the torch someday?”. Low and behold, living in “crazytown” with a brain of mush the past few years boiled up some very simplistic truths about what it means to parent…and to lead. So as I continue to navigate the rough waters that undoubtedly lie ahead both with my “beasts” and with “Boobies”, I’m starting to take comfort in knowing that the lessons I’m learning during these VERY long, exhausting days might just result in me being a better leader of a cause I care about nearly as much as I care about these boys.